I’ve had enough, he’s done it this time. Jonty discovered Midnight MacGuffin and his children hiding out in the wardrobe where Maxie and I hid him and he’s murdered them with a cricket bat. He’s a murderer!
[SinglePic not found]
It’s hard for me to talk about this – because I’m sensitive and artistic – but I’m going to let you know what happened.
Yesterday afternoon, just as I got back from Jazzercise, I came in the house to hear Jonty, upstairs, swearing.
He was using all the biggies. It was ‘F’ this and ‘F’ that and ‘Come here you F-ing C!’, you know really horrid stuff. I didn’t know what was going on! At first I thought those burglars might have come back for my Miles Davis LPs but I could see them on top of my vintage record player, so I knew they were safe.
I was confused.
After calling to Jonty a few times – and after getting no response – I went upstairs.
It was like a scene from a horror film. There was blood everywhere and Jonty was battering Midnight MacGuffin and his poor defenceless children with his cricket bat. I was screaming, Jonty was in a proper rage and there were bits of Midnight MacGuffin all over the bedroom.
It turns out Midnight MacGuffin – completely innocently and no doubt in self defence – had leapt out of the wardrobe on to Jonty’s face. That’s obviously rubbish, he was hardly bleeding.
Jonty claims that rats spread disease and shouldn’t be kept as pets and that – get this – it’s my fault Midnight MacGuffin is dead, because I shouldn’t have kept him in a shoebox! He is such an idiot hasn’t he seen Stuart Little?
I’m typing this on my Sony Vaio using my T-Mobile 3G card on the way to London. I’m going to stay with Maxie for a few days.
The murderer is wearing a red shirt from T J Maxx, Manhattan and a pair of black jeans from The Gap
Well, well, well, Jonty’s selfishness is at an all time high. He threw himself down the stairs in the middle of the night to try and make me cross. He’s wearing a dressing gown by Matalan.
[SinglePic not found]
As a result of his outrageous tantrum he’s ruined the piece I was working on, called In The Steps Of Genius.
When I found him this morning in that crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs he claimed he fell over the shoes in the middle of the night when he was coming down for some Robinsons! This is clearly a lie.
He obviously trashed up my piece out of jealousy of my, not inconsiderable, artistic talent. I spent almost forty minutes setting up that piece last night to have him come along and ruin it out of spite!
To top it all off he’s still there! Moaning about not being able to feel his legs. What about me, can’t he feel my pain? I was doing that piece for exhibition in Maxie’s gallery, it could have been the start of something big for me. Selfish Jonty.
I will post the pictures of In The Steps Of Genius when I finally set it all up again.
I may have to go and stay with Maxie for a bit.
Well Maxie’s left for London so it’s just me and Jonty in the house. So, as a special treat for him after work, I gave Jonty a preview of my new jewellery collection: Danger! High Voltage and even allowed him to model it for me!
[SinglePic not found]
As you can see Jonty is wearing a lovely black shirt by George at Asda, jeans by The Gap, a black cap that he got from his father Rodney and two pieces from the Danger! High Voltage collection!
I’m not keen on him wearing that cap, I think it distracts from the overall tone, and – if I’m honest – I think it makes him look like a workman.
Anyway I knew you’d love to see them too, so I took some photos of the collection for you. If you’d like to buy any of these amazing and unique pieces – which I know you will – they’re all on eBay, their links are under their inspirational descriptions.
[SinglePic not found]
This is the plug pendant that Jonty’s wearing today, I call it The Spark Of Love I got the idea while I was watching Jules Et Jim and Jonty was putting a new fuse in the toaster plug. The three prongs represent perfectly the love triangle in the film and the white of the plug housing symbolises virginity, being despoiled by the prongs thrusting forcefully into it.
Click here to buy The Spark Of Love on eBay now!
[SinglePic not found]
This is a bracelet made of fuses encased in cling film. I call it Dazed And ConFused. It’s a metaphor for safe sex – which as we all know is important for the poor, with all their diseases and what not.
The fuses represent the phallus and the cling-film a prophylactic sheath. I think this piece is one of my finest. Please note when you inevitably tell your friends about this piece, that its proper name is Dazed And ConFused, the mid-word capitalisation is very important.
Click here to buy Dazed And ConFused on eBay now!
[SinglePic not found]
Finally, this choker is both striking and beautiful, alluring yet deadly and is made from a kettle lead. I call it Power Struggle. The symbolism of this piece is that it represents interracial, homosexual relationships. If you look carefully you’ll see it too.
Two different plugs, one black, one white, separated by the cord of homophobia but at the same time joined together by the very same cord of homophobia! It’s genius isn’t it?
Click here to buy Power Struggle on eBay now!
I’m so talented it’s not true.
Jonty’s behaviour of late has been inexcusably bad – what with him damaging my car and putting me at risk by tackling burglars – I’m sure you’ll all agree.
That’s why Maxie and I thought it would be a good idea to see if we could bring Jonty out of his self obsessed phase by slipping a whole load of khat into his stew and getting him to do a bit of African drumming!
[SinglePic not found]
As you can see once we’d slipped him into one of Maxie’s friend Tinotenda’s boubous and got an udu in his hands he was well away.
That’s what’s so lovely about Maxie, he’s got all these really cool friends. Tinotenda’s great, great, great grandfather was from Zimbabwe so even though he was born Brian Milligan in Oxford and now lives in Hoxton, his adopted spiritual name of Tinotenda Ndebele is so much more him.
If you were to look into his lovely bright, blue eyes like I have then you’d realise that he dreams of roaming the valleys of Zimbabwe herding goats. Or horses. Or whatever it is they do.
Anyway, after we’d got Jonty drumming we couldn’t stop him! It was lovely to see him, almost trance like, beating out a rhythm on the udu and chanting to himself.
By the end of his first session his hands were red raw and nearly bleeding. Maxie said this is perfectly normal and that Brian, sorry Tinotenda, had lovely soft hands because of it. That would certainly explain why his udu looked almost untouched, he must have really soft hands!
Goodness knows Jonty needs soft hands, his are all calloused and worn, not like Maxie’s and mine!
We had to top up his khat with a few cups of khat tea at various intervals, but it was worth it because Maxie had brought up his etchings to show me and we’ve been looking at them in the bedroom.
His brass work is very, very impressive and he’s been telling me all about how he does them!
Seemingly he buys an art book from Waterstone’s or Border’s – I like Border’s best as they’ve got Starbucks! – and then scans in the drawings in it he likes onto his MacBook Pro, artistically removes any page numbers or copyright nonsense and then emails the finished JPEG to a little fellow he knows in Swiss Cottage, who then laser etches it onto a piece of brass and posts it to him!
The whole process only takes a couple of days! Maxie says people used to do it by hand and it it took months of painstaking crafting. Why would anyone do that? Maxie is so talented!
Well, I’ve got some very important meetings tomorrow and Maxie’s looking at me funny – he must be very tired – so I’d better get into bed soon.
I can still hear Jonty drumming away and gurgling downstairs though!
He looked really cute when we left him to pop upstairs. His eyes were rolled way back in his head and he had foam around his mouth!
I had not seen anything as funny in ages. Maxie on the other hand went all boring and serious – I’m not sure I like that side of him – and said that it might be manslaughter – whatever that is, probably an African disease or something – and phoned Tinotenda on his iPhone and asked if the foam was normal.
Apparently it is, so that’s ok. Would you believe it means he’s communing with the ancient ones! How cool is that?
I tell you one thing though, I hope the ancient ones tell him to pipe down a bit, all the screaming is really not helping me concentrate on Maxie’s etchings.
Jonty returned home from hospital today, he hasn’t said much and he’s got a bruise on his face. I think he may have got this last night when he got beaten up in the kitchen for being a show off.
Anyway, to cheer him up I decided to read him some poetry that I wrote today with Max. Today’s picture shows Jonty rapt and enchanted by my words, he’s wearing a shirt and jeans from Gap.
[SinglePic not found]
I know this site is supposed to be about what Jonty wore – that’s why I called it that – but I thought it would be an ideal opportunity to showcase some of my many talents. Namely my genius at poetry and poems!
Today was tough for me but Max has been ever so helpful, he even took time away from helping out at the underprivileged writers collective to stay in bed this morning hugging me. It was his idea that we do some poetry – or soul cleansing as Max calls it – to really help get our feelings out.
So that’s what we did, we started by doing a little bit of chanting in the morning and then settling down to write – after a lovely dinner of mange tout and whelks – later in the afternoon.
I know what you’re asking yourselves though. Where was Jonty? Exactly!
He was lying in some hospital somewhere feeling sorry for himself, not even bothering to call and make sure I was alright! What he forgets is that it was worse for me than him, I’m the one that had to find him lying in the kitchen, I was the one that had to phone the ambulance, I was the one that would have spent today being ignored. If it wasn’t for Maxie I’d have had no attention for over 20 hours!
As Maxie says you’ll never change someone like that, it’s all self, self, self with Jonty.
Do you know what else he had the gall to do? Shout at Maxie!
That’s right Maxie. The same Maxie who drove all the way up from Shoreditch to see me and get in bed and hug me last night while I fell asleep. Do you know why Jonty shouted at Maxie? I’ll tell you.
Jealousy.
Jonty is jealous of Maxie, just because he drives a nice car – it’s a silver one – and just because he’s a successful artist. Maxie worked hard to become a painter. He begged his daddy for months to buy him a studio and he had to practically get down on his hands and knees to make sure he had the £5,000 a month to really focus on his painting without having to worry about the stupid things in life.
Maxie even nearly thought about getting a job! He was that serious about wanting to paint. Jonty’s never had to work that hard, so he just doesn’t understand.
Anyway I’m probably boring you with all this talk of Jonty and his silliness. It’s time for some poetry!
The poem I read him is called Seraph On The Zephyr and I wrote it with a little of Maxie’s life experience.
Oh mighty Seraph on the zephyr
Where are you headed for
To vintage shops for a bargain shoe
Or American Apparel for tights in two
Colours
I see you, yet I do not
I feel you, yet I cannot
O Seraph you are as complex as I
Together we spend our moments
Wondering when our genius will be met
Wondering when the money it deserves will be given
O Seraph have you cruel parents too
The kind that don’t understand the beauty of the shoe
The scarf, the silk, the skirt, the colours of life
Our lot is to suffer
Seraph fear not I know suffering too
Those that fear us do not understand us
Seraph you and I shall escape
Escape on the zephyr of fame away from our controlling ones
No longer their piteous dowry holding us back
How can artists such as we
Be expected to live
On what we are give?
It really explains my feelings on my situation right now.
I suppose this counts as today’s photo, technically, as it was taken at two in the morning.
[SinglePic not found]
Anyway, earlier this morning Jonty woke me up and told me he thought he heard a noise downstairs, I told him not to worry as it was probably Midnight MacGuffin our little mouse friend, scouting around for treats in our pantry.
Well, it transpires that mice don’t actually make a lot of noise and rarely rifle through DVD collections. Who’d have known! Jonty’s not a creative type like me though, so I doubt he imagines Midnight MacGuffin‘s adventures like I do.
I picture him going through all our DVDs and watching them with his mice chums, while eating popcorn and drinking fizzy pop! Then when their little bellies are all full they jump in a toy car and go for spin with the hood down!
While I was picturing this Jonty had put on his Matalan dressing gown, picked up his Slugger baseball bat from JJB Sports and was creeping downstairs to prove what a big tough man he was. He is so competitive.
I quietly went down behind him.
Shortly after I took this photo Jonty got savagely beaten with his own baseball bat by – and forgive me because I’m guessing here – a woman wearing lots of cheap gold. Poor Jonty.
I say I’m guessing because after I’d heard them smash the kitchen door down and leave – and I came out from behind our lovely and well priced Ikea sofa – I found Jonty on the kitchen floor.
He was lying in a pool of blood and was muttering something about a stupid bitch and the flash alerting them. Which can only mean one thing, the intruder was a stupid bitch and dressed in flash or as I prefer to call it bling. Because I’m street.
After I’d had a glass of organic, skimmed milk and a little snooze – something like this really takes it out of you when you’re a sensitive and creative type like me – I phoned for an ambulance.
The ambulance man that came recognised Jonty from yesterday and they had a good old chinwag. Jonty was so weak and battered but he still tried to get off his stretcher to give me a hug and a kiss. He was shouting and swearing and really trying to get off that stretcher!
The ambulance man said I should get back – he was quite rude actually, I may complain – and it took him and the driver to keep Jonty down. It must be something about me, Jonty just can’t bear to be separated from me!
Once Jonty had left I didn’t know what to do! So I phoned Max and he came round and got into bed and hugged me until I fell asleep, Max is so thoughtful that way. I bet he wouldn’t have gone downstairs to show off to the burglar.
Oh and in case you’re worrying about Midnight MacGuffin as it turns out he isn’t a mouse at all! He’s a rat. Jonty says that we have to have him killed. I’m not going to let that happen, Max helped me put him in a shoebox in the wardrobe along with all his babies, he’ll be safe there! Jonty’s such a fascist.
As I was reversing out of the drive today, in my Peugeot 206, I accidentally hit Jonty. It wasn’t my fault, the eight-track that Jonty had installed for me (tres retro!) was on and I couldn’t hear his cries over the soothing sounds of Henry Mancini.
[SinglePic not found]
As you can see, he seems quite badly injured but as I said to him – after I took this photo and my house keys off him, don’t know what he was doing with them – while he stood there burbling on about ambulances, if he will keep going outside when I have to leave for my Yogacise classes then, at some point, I’m going to hit him.
Especially if I’m wearing my oversize vintage Chanel sunglasses. And it’s not sunny.
It was his fault I was late in the first place anyway! He was the one who put my Hot Mama’s Original Hummus that I was going to have for my dinner, back in the fridge on the wrong shelf! How am I supposed to put up with that sort of thing and not get stressed? Tell me that!
Of course it wasn’t just the Hot Mama’s Original Hummus incident that annoyed me, oh no, because of Jonty’s stupidity I missed the first six minutes of Yogacise! He knows how much I like Yogacise. I think he was probably jealous of me and trying to spoil my fun.
When he comes back from hospital I think I’m really going to have to tell him how I feel. I just can’t put up with his constant selfishness much longer. Do you know he expected me to call the ambulance and wait while it arrived! Selfish, selfish Jonty.
He’s just lucky I’m such a good driver and managed to drive around him to get out of the drive or I’d have been really properly cross with him.
Oh and as if I didn’t have enough stress in my life Max called me earlier, he’s split up with Eleise. Seemingly she’s selfish too, it’s a small world isn’t it?
I suppose I’d better tell you what he’s wearing.
Jonty’s wearing a blood – O RH Positive, how very ordinary – stained t-shirt by George at Asda, jogging bottoms from Slazenger and trainers by Skechers.
We woke up this morning to find Jonty’s hair all dishevelled, I guess he must have been having the dreams about being a centaur again, his hair was ridiculous!
[SinglePic not found]
Not only was his hair like that but the bed was full of mud and as I couldn’t sleep anymore I went downstairs to have a cup of Rooibos Downtime and watch a bit of The Seashell and the Clergyman by Germaine Dulac as it always calms me down when I’m cross. Like the time when Jonty burnt my croissant in the oven and wouldn’t say sorry enough.
Anyway later on we tried everything we could to sort it out and even though he promised my friend Max he wouldn’t use shampoo – because they are like, totally messing up the environment and how are you supposed to get a latte if Starbucks has been flooded? – he washed it!
Sadly all this was to no avail. Even at six o’clock when he was hammering away on his MacBook it still looked like this. Poor Jonty.
Oh, forgot to mention, the t-shirt is by George at Asda.
We had a brilliant day today counting all my seashells – that I’d collected when I went to the south of France with Max and Eleise – and watching some bootleg TR Warszawa DVDs Jonty had found in the local Oxfam (only £70 each, bargain!) on our retro black and white TV!
[SinglePic not found]
Things got even better later when Jonty told me he’d bought a lottery ticket earlier in the week just so that we could pretend to be like the common people and put all our hope into a sixteen million to one shot! It was going to be so ironic. Thoughtful Jonty.
The best bit was that whether we won or not didn’t matter because we still had each other and the money mummy and daddy send me every month!
Things got a bit heated when Jonty thought he’d won, he was quite excited and started talking about how he could finally buy a nice new Sony laptop and that he wouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit anymore. I didn’t understand that bit, it must be a work thing or something.
Unfortunately it turns out they do the lottery on Wednesday’s too. Poor Jonty.
Cap by street trader in Manhattan, t-shirt by Nike, jeans by The Gap, shoes by Emerica.
Jonty went to work today (as he has to do everyday, no allowance for him, ha-ha!) and then came back. This is his outfit when he came back. He’s wearing a really cool Taylor & Wright suit from Matalan.
[SinglePic not found]
The suit’s colour is Obsidian Obelisk and goes really well with the shirt, also Taylor & Right, which is in Dusky Snow Drift. The tie is Ben Sherman and I think it looks really fab! Shoes are St George by Duffer.
The bag is Praybourne and contains a Lenovo Thinkpad R400, it weighs a tonne but luckily Jonty’s a big guy!