Pretention

Taken When Jonty Had A Fight With Bono

I’ve forgiven Jonty and moved back in with him.

It was all I could do after he rescued me from the clutches of Max – who I’ve discovered is a bit of a filth monger. Jonty has explained to me that what I thought to be relaxing coffee – Row Hip Knoll – is in fact a drug. A rather nasty drug that makes people all limp and weak, I can’t bring myself to tell you what the papers call it.

My spelling is completely wrong too. It’s Rohypnol.

Anyway today’s photo shows Jonty shouting at Bono – on speakerphone – in a shirt from Burton’s.

For those that don’t know Bono is from a band called U2 and is a bit of a crusader on the quiet seemingly! Jonty’s been getting harassed by him for a couple of weeks now, Bono wants Jonty to join him and (Sir) Bob Geldof on a trip across Africa to save some little brown orphans from adoption by Madonna and Angelina Jolie.

Jonty really doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t like the heat and thinks that Africa smells a bit. Not only that but he’s especially annoyed that Bono has shown so little consideration to the fact that a new series of Peep Show has started on Channel 4.

It’s not that he’s not interested in saving little brown orphans from the clutches of Madonna and Angelina Jolie – or The Harpies as Jonty calls them – it’s just that when there’s top drawer comedy on the telly, it’s not much fun trekking across Africa fending off muscly women that should know better.

Jonty says that Madonna needs the blood of between three and four small brown orphans a day in order to retain her ability to fly. It’s not that he’s not concerned but come on people it’s Peep Show for flip’s sake!

Anyway I’ve decided to be a bit more caring, so for Jonty’s sake I’ll be doing this blog on Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s from now on. I’ll let you know how it goes with Bono.

Pretention

Taken When Jonty Was Missing Me Terribly

Look at this photo. This is a man in inner turmoil!

I took it off his friend Iggy’s Facebook page. Just look at him, he’s distraught! I think he’s wearing jeans and a shirt from The Gap.

You can tell just by his facial expression that he’s really missing me, there’s something in his eyes, isn’t there?

This whole ‘I’m having a great time, eating pizza and watching Hancock!’ thing is such a cover story, what he really means is ‘I’m watching L’Âge d’or, drinking Pernod, eating olives and crying over my lost love.’. It’s so tragic.

All the while he’s wallowing in self pity, I’m here in London with Maxie and his new friends living the high life! Some of his friends are a bit odd though, last night after I woke up from my snooze – I got so sleepy all of a sudden! – I was trying to have a chat with Martin about Lulu Guinness and he thought I was talking about a drink?

Very odd.

Anyway, I must have missed all the fun because after I woke up from my snooze practically everyone had left. How boring.

In positive news though, Maxie’s offered to take me for lunch tomorrow! Seems he’s made a little bit of cash himself recently. That should get his daddy off his back!

Pretention

Taken When Jonty Watched Me Leave For London

Well, he wasn’t expecting that. As I think you can tell. He’s wearing a white shirt from Matalan and a black tie, also from Matalan.

Today I left for London. Jonty’s behaviour has just become intolerable. Here are just a few of the things he’s done over the past week or so:

  • Gotten blood on my car
  • Put me at risk by tackling a burglar
  • Kept me up all night by drumming (on khat)
  • Ruined a piece of art I was working on

And to top it all last night I found him in bed with another woman! He told me some poppycock about him needing a special cuddle to get him off to sleep – he had the audacity to compare it to the sorts of cuddles that Maxie gives me. It’s made me very cross.

How can he think that the true bond of friendship that Maxie and I have – as kindred sensitive, artistic spirits – is anything like him lying in bed with some naked girl, who to the best of my knowledge isn’t even interested in art or fashion or being cool or anything like that?

When Maxie helps me relax after a hard days thinking about things, it’s done in a spiritual, almost cosmic way. Not like Jonty’s filthy rutting with this unartistic jezebel.

It’s becoming hard for me to concentrate on thinking up cool outfits to wear to all my important meetings, so I thought it for the best that I go away for a few days. Although I’ve only got £2,000 in the bank, so I might have to ask daddy for a bit more, I can’t be expected to relax and come up with great artistic ideas if I’m worrying about money the whole time I’m there.

Maxie’s said that I can stay in his flat for as long as I like. He’s even arranged for a few of his new friends – that he met through some new website he’s set up – to come around tonight to cheer me up. I’ve never met them before but he says that they’re all very spiritual like us, so it should be fun.

He even says he’s got my special coffee brewing already. Thoughtful Maxie, I don’t know why Eleise ever left him.

Pretention

Taken When Jonty Didn’t Know I Was Coming Home

Am I surprised? No I am not.

I left him for one day and he brought a strange women into our home and our bed! That bed should be sacrosanct. I’ve only ever been in that bed with Jonty.

Well, apart from when Maxie’s had to comfort me, which is normally only because I’ve been traumatised by something Jonty’s done.

I don’t know what he thought he was doing with that strumpet and I don’t know why he looks so pleased with himself. He said she’s a friend, like Maxie. I think he was trying to make a point though I don’t know what about.

That’s Jonty’s problem he’s never clear about things.

I wish Maxie was here, he’d know what to do. He’d probably help me relax with a Row Hip Knoll coffee – which I’ve looked for in Sainsbury’s but can’t for the life of me find.

Then again, that Row Hip Knoll coffee I had last night must have some funny side effects, because my bottom really hurt when I woke up this morning.

I’m going back to London I don’t care if I do miss my Tunisian crochet class, Maxie says he’s got a one armed, lesbian friend that runs a battered women’s refuge, I might stay there for awhile. At least they’ll understand me.

Not that it even matters but Jonty is wearing nothing but a stetson. God I hate him and his selfishness.

Pretention

Taken When Jonty Ventured Into The Heart Of Darkness

I’ve just been sent this on my iPhone.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how he took it and quite frankly I don’t care.

It came with a rambling message:

But theory is one thing, practice is another. Idealism, which has a Utopian quality, is inappropriate in a world where corrupt interests abound and where there are many who go on all fours. The last sentence in the report, an added footnote – exterminate all the brutes – refers us to the dark other side of his identity, “the soul satiated with primitive emotions”; it shows a descent from high to low, and that his civilizer’s concern for the distressed savages has turned to hatred – a Jekyll-to-Hyde turn. Of particular relevance in this respect is the significance of the portrait he has painted, the blindfolded torchbearer against the black background, which could be said to suggest, among other things, the simplicity of the ideal and the complexity of reality, the illusion of light and the truth of darkness. The monstrous prevails, and the human and artistic potential miscarries. There is a downward tug in Kurtz’s involvement with the wilderness and he descends into a brute existence. He is reduced to madness, and his aggressive impulses take control of him.

What the flip is that? Maxie reckons that he’s been reading his books again. It wouldn’t surprise me.

He’s got loads of books and I don’t mean cool books like Rankin’s Heidilicious or retro books like Madonna’s Sex but boring stuff with no pictures and just words!

It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if he’d gone mad from reading. I mean it can’t be healthy can it?

Maxie says I should stay here for as long as I want but I can’t really, I’ve already missed Yogacise tonight because of Jonty, I don’t want to miss my Reiki healing session do I? Then again Maxie has offered to take me to Camden tomorrow and daddy has given me a few thousand for expenses, and really Jonty does need punishing.

Life is full of so many hard choices.

Anyway I’ll decide in the morning Maxie’s made me a Row Hip Knoll coffee – which is supposed to be so calming – so I’d better go and drink it. You see this is another reason for me to stay, you can only get Kenco in Nottingham, they’ve got all the cool brands down here.

Oh, almost forgot, it would appear that Jonty’s wearing a plain white t-shirt from Asda by George.


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