Pretention

Taken When Jonty Thought He Heard A Burglar

I suppose this counts as today’s photo, technically, as it was taken at two in the morning.

Anyway, earlier this morning Jonty woke me up and told me he thought he heard a noise downstairs, I told him not to worry as it was probably Midnight MacGuffin our little mouse friend, scouting around for treats in our pantry.

Well, it transpires that mice don’t actually make a lot of noise and rarely rifle through DVD collections. Who’d have known! Jonty’s not a creative type like me though, so I doubt he imagines Midnight MacGuffin‘s adventures like I do.

I picture him going through all our DVDs and watching them with his mice chums, while eating popcorn and drinking fizzy pop! Then when their little bellies are all full they jump in a toy car and go for spin with the hood down!

While I was picturing this Jonty had put on his Matalan dressing gown, picked up his Slugger baseball bat from JJB Sports and was creeping downstairs to prove what a big tough man he was. He is so competitive.

I quietly went down behind him.

Shortly after I took this photo Jonty got savagely beaten with his own baseball bat by – and forgive me because I’m guessing here – a woman wearing lots of cheap gold. Poor Jonty.

I say I’m guessing because after I’d heard them smash the kitchen door down and leave – and I came out from behind our lovely and well priced Ikea sofa – I found Jonty on the kitchen floor.

He was lying in a pool of blood and was muttering something about a stupid bitch and the flash alerting them. Which can only mean one thing, the intruder was a stupid bitch and dressed in flash or as I prefer to call it bling. Because I’m street.

After I’d had a glass of organic, skimmed milk and a little snooze – something like this really takes it out of you when you’re a sensitive and creative type like me – I phoned for an ambulance.

The ambulance man that came recognised Jonty from yesterday and they had a good old chinwag. Jonty was so weak and battered but he still tried to get off his stretcher to give me a hug and a kiss. He was shouting and swearing and really trying to get off that stretcher!

The ambulance man said I should get back – he was quite rude actually, I may complain – and it took him and the driver to keep Jonty down. It must be something about me, Jonty just can’t bear to be separated from me!

Once Jonty had left I didn’t know what to do! So I phoned Max and he came round and got into bed and hugged me until I fell asleep, Max is so thoughtful that way. I bet he wouldn’t have gone downstairs to show off to the burglar.

Oh and in case you’re worrying about Midnight MacGuffin as it turns out he isn’t a mouse at all! He’s a rat. Jonty says that we have to have him killed. I’m not going to let that happen, Max helped me put him in a shoebox in the wardrobe along with all his babies, he’ll be safe there! Jonty’s such a fascist.

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