Pretention

Taken When Jonty Cooked Dinner

Jonty’s not a good cook. He hardly knows anything about tofu and when he cooks my nut cutlets they always turn out horrid. That’s why this is no surprise.


He was cooking a steak (yeuch!) last night. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

As anybody that cares about the environment and the planet as much as I do would know; meat is murder! If Morrissey taught me anything (apart from how terrible it is for people in the north) he taught me that.

The only reasons a man should send an animal to sleep (and it’s always a man. They’re all rapists too) is because it’s gotten poorly or it’s too old or it’s made of fur. Certainly not because you want to eat it!

So to teach Jonty a lesson for being a murderer I decided to spice up his steak!

I found a bottle of methylated spirits (which is this wicked purple colour by the way and goes great with my new corduroy pants from Chanel!) and after sniffing it and nearly choking, I decided that it would make his steak taste really yucky and maybe make him think twice about eating steak again!

In fairness how was I supposed to know that methylated spirits would catch fire?

When the ambulance man had put out Jonty’s eyebrows he got really cross and said I could have killed him! What does he mean? I read the bottle and it said inflammable on the side – which clearly means the opposite of flammable, right? – if companies don’t label things properly what am I supposed to do?

It’s about time somebody did something to protect people like me from dangerous things. I might start a campaign.

Jonty’s due out of hospital tomorrow. He can make his own way home.

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