Taken When Jonty Cooked Dinner

Jonty’s not a good cook. He hardly knows anything about tofu and when he cooks my nut cutlets they always turn out horrid. That’s why this is no surprise.

He was cooking a steak (yeuch!) last night. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

As anybody that cares about the environment and the planet as much as I do would know; meat is murder! If Morrissey taught me anything (apart from how terrible it is for people in the north) he taught me that.

The only reasons a man should send an animal to sleep (and it’s always a man. They’re all rapists too) is because it’s gotten poorly or it’s too old or it’s made of fur. Certainly not because you want to eat it!

So to teach Jonty a lesson for being a murderer I decided to spice up his steak!

I found a bottle of methylated spirits (which is this wicked purple colour by the way and goes great with my new corduroy pants from Chanel!) and after sniffing it and nearly choking, I decided that it would make his steak taste really yucky and maybe make him think twice about eating steak again!

In fairness how was I supposed to know that methylated spirits would catch fire?

When the ambulance man had put out Jonty’s eyebrows he got really cross and said I could have killed him! What does he mean? I read the bottle and it said inflammable on the side – which clearly means the opposite of flammable, right? – if companies don’t label things properly what am I supposed to do?

It’s about time somebody did something to protect people like me from dangerous things. I might start a campaign.

Jonty’s due out of hospital tomorrow. He can make his own way home.


speak up

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site.

Subscribe to these comments.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

*Required Fields

Get Adobe Flash player