Pretention

Taken When Jonty Ruined Christmas

As a special treat I thought I’d let you all know what mine and Jonty’s Christmas was like. For a start look at my Christmas tree! That’s Jonty and a Midnight Maguffin doll I got from Ikea, sitting boozing underneath it.

You wouldn’t believe the rest of my Christmas though.

Obviously I had tonnes of presents, everybody was so very kind to me. Except Jonty he only got me a few bits!

Unfortunately Jonty is a bit of an old skinflint when it comes to getting presents and being Christmassy in general. I totalled up all the gifts he got me and it only just scraped over the £1,000 mark (£1,123.74, pathetic) which kind of spoiled the whole spirit of Christmas for me.

Ruining the spirit of Christmas was not the only thing Jonty did wrong. Oh no. He blew up our oven trying to cook a turkey. A turkey! I wanted everyone to have a Tofu joint or a nut roast but Jonty was insistant that everyone wanted turkey. In the end my Dad told Jonty to shut up, what’s even funnier is that he was so angry and flustered he called him Libby!

Exactly what I though would happen in the end, happened. Jonty was left red faced when we had loads of turkey left over. Clearly my mummy and Daddy only ate it out of pity, I could see them eyeing up my nut cutlets enviously all through dinner. They’d narrow their eyes and glare at me, clearly jealous!

Anyway for the sake of a quiet life I let them give him all their pretend praise. I could tell that he’d ruined their Christmas lunch.

Leaving aside the lunch debacle, after I’d had a small cry in the bathroom I decided to put on one of my outfits, go down to see everyone and watch the end of the Royle Family with them. I wished I hadn’t.

Looking at all those fat, poor people made me feel sick. And I hate Royle Family documentaries!

Completing the horrors of the day was a game of charades. Now I love charades normally, I was the queen of charades at Uni. Everyone was mean to me though and refused to get my charades on purpose.

Unfortunately that’s what Jonty’s selfish behaviour had done you see. Made everyone all upset.

Not one of them got my charade of Altar Of Narcis by Takato Yamamoto. They we’re being purposefully obtuse. Jonty told me after that it was because they were all annoyed at me for crying through the Royle Family. It’s not my fault if I’m emotional and they’re all nasty and spiteful, besides which it was him that made me cry in the first place!

To be fair though they did all gather round after and say sorry. I had to threaten to hurt myself before they did though. I think that tells you everything you need to know about them.

So that’s my Christmas. It was rubbish.

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