Pretention

Taken When Jonty Was Avoiding Alien Abduction

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve updated isn’t it?

For those of you that were worried, things have calmed down a bit for Jonty, after intervention by David Bowie (I’ll tell you about it all very soon!), Bono’s calmed down a bit and more or less stopped threatening him. Which is nice.

Of course we still get the occasional phone call late at night. You know what Bono’s like, he has a few pints of Guinness and then starts ranting down the phone about wiping out third world debt and having sexual relations with the Corrs.

Unfortunately though I think Jonty’s been a bit, well, damaged by the past few months of harassment and it’s opened the door to forces beyond our control.

I suppose, for the record, I should recount the events of Thursday night. It was very odd and very unlike Jonty.

I’d just finished watching all the episodes of Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor I’d Sky plussed last week and Jonty was sitting beside me reading a book. Anyway I was just about to start watching the last four weeks Hollyoaks and I asked Jonty to pop off into the kitchen and make me a cup of tea and then it happened.

He stood up and started shouting and swearing!

The language was terrible, he was saying things like leave me the F alone, why can’t you do it your F’ing self and I just want a bit of F’ing peace!

It was this outburst that convinced me he was being interfered with by aliens and they were obviously making him do things he didn’t want to. Once I’d thought about it I started remembering all sorts of incidents where he’d had similar fits.

There was the time when we’d been out shopping on the Saturday and I was trying on dresses. It was just as I asked him whether he preferred this (gorgeous All Saints) dress in grey or black. He was very reticent to answer, eventually I dragged out of him that he thought the grey one was nice – which was clearly wrong, can you imagine me in grey? Please!

I told him that I thought the black one was clearly better and it was then he went all weird, his eyes glazed over and he started muttering under his breath. In hindsight he was clearly being communicated with then because it wasn’t soon after that – when I asked him whether I should get a three inch heel or a four inch heel in fact – that he screamed at me.

It’s obvious now but at the time I just didn’t notice it.

There was another time, one of my busy days, where I’d been non-stop all day. I mean really non-stop. I’d had a brunch meeting at 11:00, a lunch meeting at 1:00 and then I’d had to go and have my nails and my hair done at 3:00! I didn’t get home ’till gone 5:00!

Anyway when Jonty eventually came home that day – at around 8:00 – I was having a little lie down because of all the stress. I heard him come in so I shouted down for him to get me a cup of tea and come and give me a foot rub.

Well! You’d think I’d asked him to climb Mount Everett! The swearing and such was crazy! Once again he was clearly being brain tinkered.

Anyway after a bit of research on the Internet I discovered that the best thing to do if you’re being got at by aliens is to put a cork up your bottom and wear a hat made of tin foil. Or even better a tin foil suit!

Don’t worry I used Bacofoil so it’s still a label.

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