Pretention

Taken When Jonty Had A Visit From Bono’s Friends

Oh dear. It seems people don’t say no to Bono very often.

We’ve been away for a couple of weeks – we’ve been in hiding after the whole Bono thing blew up – and no sooner were we back when that happened.

This photo was taken earlier today and shows Jonty – in jeans and shirt by The Gap – soiling himself at our front door when two of Bono’s friends came around to persuade him to go to Africa and ended up smashing his twelve string.

Since Jonty told Bono to get bent a couple of weeks ago he’s been getting non-stop answerphone messages from him. Some of them were quite explicit. I’ve transcribed a couple, just in case the police get involved.

To be sure will you not come out to Africa, think of the craic. Bob’s (Geldof) coming. We’ve hired a mini-van and I’ve booked you seats on the ferry. It’d be a real shame if I wasted the price of ticket and had to break yer fuppin’ knee caps now wouldn’t it?

Me again you fupping baxter. I’m getting really tired of getting your voicemail. You’re streesing out The Edge, he’s worried for all them little brown babies that yer lettin’ slip into the wrong hands. He’s hardly touched his Weetabix, and you know how much he likes his Weetabix and stabbing up Scotsmen. Call me.

Pick up the phone you dirty fecker. I know you’re there. (pause) I know where you live Jonty, remember that.

And most bizarrely he got this one at two AM:

I know the Pope.

Anyway once the men left the door Jonty went to the police to report Bono.

Turns out they said they couldn’t do anything without evidence, Jonty played the policeman the voicemails – which he’d saved, clever Jonty.

After he listened to the voicemails the policeman said that he still hadn’t found what he was looking for – which Jonty thought was an odd thing to say – and that he’d need to get a colleague to listen to them.

So Jonty waited while another policeman listened to the voicemails. After the second policeman listened to them he said that Bono moved in mysterious ways and that he could be so cruel sometimes. This policeman then ushered in two more policemen.

When they’d listened to them one said that if Jonty wanted to be safe he should stay faraway, so close then the other one said he should go somewhere where the streets have no name or the city of blinding lights.

By this point there were four policeman all at the front desk laughing like idiots. It wasn’t until another policeman came through and said that it was a kind of magic that they all stopped laughing. No wonder this country is in such a terrible state.

Jonty says he thinks the police are being paid off in drugs by Paul McGuinness but I’ve not to worry as he has a plan! He’s going to call Bono’s arch nemesis; David Bowie.

Clever, clever Jonty.

speak up

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