Pretention

Taken When Jonty Murdered Midnight MacGuffin

I’ve had enough, he’s done it this time. Jonty discovered Midnight MacGuffin and his children hiding out in the wardrobe where Maxie and I hid him and he’s murdered them with a cricket bat. He’s a murderer!

It’s hard for me to talk about this – because I’m sensitive and artistic – but I’m going to let you know what happened.

Yesterday afternoon, just as I got back from Jazzercise, I came in the house to hear Jonty, upstairs, swearing.

He was using all the biggies. It was ‘F’ this and ‘F’ that and ‘Come here you F-ing C!’, you know really horrid stuff. I didn’t know what was going on! At first I thought those burglars might have come back for my Miles Davis LPs but I could see them on top of my vintage record player, so I knew they were safe.

I was confused.

After calling to Jonty a few times – and after getting no response – I went upstairs.

It was like a scene from a horror film. There was blood everywhere and Jonty was battering Midnight MacGuffin and his poor defenceless children with his cricket bat. I was screaming, Jonty was in a proper rage and there were bits of Midnight MacGuffin all over the bedroom.

It turns out Midnight MacGuffin – completely innocently and no doubt in self defence – had leapt out of the wardrobe on to Jonty’s face. That’s obviously rubbish, he was hardly bleeding.

Jonty claims that rats spread disease and shouldn’t be kept as pets and that – get this – it’s my fault Midnight MacGuffin is dead, because I shouldn’t have kept him in a shoebox! He is such an idiot hasn’t he seen Stuart Little?

I’m typing this on my Sony Vaio using my T-Mobile 3G card on the way to London. I’m going to stay with Maxie for a few days.

The murderer is wearing a red shirt from T J Maxx, Manhattan and a pair of black jeans from The Gap

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